nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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