You don't have asthma, your pregnant
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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