she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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