hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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