at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
