I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Every concussion has its silver lining
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
