Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
