a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
