I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
