So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
