we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
