Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
