I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
