Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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