I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
