I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
