life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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