just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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