I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
