Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
