What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize