everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
