Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize