My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
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