I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
