Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
