You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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