I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
