I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
