So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
