Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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