I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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