I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
