I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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