We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
