Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
