once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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