oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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