Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
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