I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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