No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
