the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Hippo gnu deer
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
