Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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