I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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