sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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