I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
