Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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