i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
