She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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