Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
