Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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