I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
me + whiskey = a bad person
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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