And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
