I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He shit in the fireplace
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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