hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
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