Where is the hickey?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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