i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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