She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize