Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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