you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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