There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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