Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I can text with my tongue
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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