We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
