It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Drake has all the answers
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
