He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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