Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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