I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
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