I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Randomize
