I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
