JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
