There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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